As much as I hate to admit this, going to a 9-5 everyday gives my life the type of structure that I need to thrive. Daydreamer for life. I get so lost and deep into my thoughts. I think of so many things that I eventually just go numb and drift. No thought in particular is important or interesting. Eventually the TV gets clicked on and boom! No more interest in being creative or making things with my hands. It creeps up so fast that it completely consumes me. I know there is another side to my feelings. It’s like looking at them through the reflection of a lake. It seems so attainable. I feel so pathetic because I cannot reach my hand out and feel that person again. Intense exhaustion, man the naps that I took were super epic. I may have had the dullest life on earth but my mind took me to some far out places. It gave me just enough to remember the vivid part of things.
I’m not sure of the exact moment that I felt the click. It was more of a gradual shift. I could feel myself laughing more and worrying less. The repetitive thoughts started to quiet down. I didn’t feel helpless that whatever reaction or goal I was reaching for at the moment wasn’t attainable. My eyesight changed. My mindset changed. I stopped feeling like I had to do anything or that there was anything to worry about. I was relaxing. I was breathing in deeper into my lower belly. I’m aware of my body again. I don’t feel so detached from it. I was getting grounded. The tips of my fingers felt different. Everything felt new again. I felt excited! I could really smile. It wasn’t forced. Positive things started to attract to my positive vibrations. It felt good to be connected. To not fear everything around me. Just to maintain some sort of protection. I can breathe and I know that messing up is ok.